Mistress Hyde? Or is it Dr. Jekyll?
The mundane had snuck up on me something fierce... I have my intornets back, finally, so expect to see more.
I'm on a whole new path these days. Oracular seidth. A spae-wife. That is what I am to become. Freyja has spoken for me. As has Odinn, but he's not gettin' his, yet. There is much work I have to do before I am comfortable with that close of a relationship with him. Since I have begun down this twisting path, many things have been revealed and renewed. I am no longer dream blocked, for instance. I'm beginning to remember them more and more every day.
My relationship is stablized, at the moment. Some days, I love him with all my heart and being. Others, I begin to wonder if I was meant to have long-lasting bonds with any person, let alone the extra person or two we have discussed looking for.
Things that have come into my interest of studying:
Astrology (which I'm in the middle of, actually)
Forgive the randomness above. More later. I have to take the other half to work now. *sigh*
I've been doing a lot of working here lately on my own spirituality. I've come to realise I have a long way to go.
I've been attending a pagan church for the better part of a year now, upon the insistence of my best friend. I'm really enjoying it and getting a lot out of it. I never realised how much I really missed being a part of a larger group. I've made several really good friends out of this. I am hoping to make more, as I've been invited to join the outter court of the coven of one of our church elders. Wicca has sort of been a sore spot with me over the years, burnt as I was by my former HPss. But I (hope) think this will be different. I'm not doing it because it's my only option, this time. I'm going in fully armed and armored.
I've also been working on completing several tasks for my warrior rite, which was supposed to be held over Lugh this year. The Gods must be laughing (okay, Eris is, really...) because it's not in the cards for me, yet. My own meditations have led me to this conclusion. Part of it is because my mundane life is encroaching on my spiritual territory. I hate it when this happens, but I must do what I must. Part is because I have to figure out who is guiding me towards this road. It's not Eris, my matron. And the last part is that there are physical things that I must acquire before I can even begin to plan when (this is slightly because of the mundanities of life... can't get stuff I don't have money for.)
It's the mundane that's giving me the most problems. I've been working towards reliving my spirituality so hard. I've even taken up my annual vegitarian period (Litha to Mabon) out of respect for the growing season. I would fast, actually, but, as my doctor has so kindly pointed out, someone who sufferes from serious bouts of both low blood sugar and high blood sugar, that might not be a good idea.
In any case, I will have to remember to keep coming back here and posting my revelations, that I might keep track of it all better than trying to keep a paper journal. I always lose those, even if I put them in the same spot all the time. *sigh*
Thu, Jun. 28th, 2007, 05:04 am
Why can it be
Running towards the same goal
yet hand never touching
Life is just so
In a wold frought with
anger and deception
love and lust
fact and myth
spilling forth like a dam burst
Coursing the ground
Why can it be
All in a blink of an eye
while you sit beside me
ever so short
The years have stretched between us
and yet it's not been that long
Drop all pretense, cease demanding
so that maybe
We can touch again?
I don't rightly know what I'm doing anymore. My life, such that it is, is a complete and total mess. I've no drive. No creativity. I continue to plod on, though, hoping beyond hope that something will happen to change my ...
I don't know. I keep feeling as if there is something that will help. But it keeps eluding me.
My husband is an issue with me these days. I love him, but I want him gone. I'm tired of there always being a presence in my home. I never have a moment that is purely my own. He's always here. Awake and sleeping. *sigh* Gods, I want to strangle him. I want to kill myself sometimes. I want to ship him to his mother's, send the cats to mine, take my next paycheck and get as far as I can from here. I want to never leave my house. I want all my friends to drop off of the face of the planet.
Instead, I will do what I always do. I will grin and bear it. I will smile like nothing is wrong. I will laugh and joke and carry on like I haven't a care in the world. And I might even believe it, for a little while.
Sat, Oct. 23rd, 2004, 06:42 am
It's all my fault.
You never say anything
more than to tell me this.
Why do we persist?
It's obvious you're oblivous to my
Don't try to leash me,
let me go.
It's time to release me,
or it won't be my fault.
Fuck L. Ron Hubbard, and fuck all his clones.
Fuck all these gun-toting hip gangster wanna-bes.
Fuck retro anything. Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies, and fuck your short memory.
Fuck smilie glad-hands with hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional, insecure actresses.
Some days, I suppose, Tool says it best.
More and more I'm becoming fed up with this country as a whole. The whole political system, not just at the national level, but even down to the local level, is an extremely abused and misused system if ever there was one.
Gah. I would post more, but I've lost my train of thought. 12:46am on no sleep is probably not the best time to debate why I hate my country so.
Sat, Jul. 10th, 2004, 03:17 am
I recently (as in 10 minutes ago) had a discussion on spirituality and religion with none other than our wonderful security guard here at work.
He asked me what I believed, in the broadest sense. "That is pretty simple," I said. "The deity is everything." Then he mentions something in this book he's read about pantheism limiting one's scope of the deity. I, of course, countered with the obvious: "It's easy to grasp a broad view of the deity. I myself percieve the deity in all things, which include my soul-self, that which I may directly percieve with my six senses, and how others percieve the deity. I say this because all is born out of chaos, and there is no one way to fully recognize all of the forces shaping our lives." Although, I did also mention that the one universal truth is 23, half-heartedly in jest. He must be in contact somewhat with his pineal glad, for he gave me a wry smile.
But I digress. This bit about perceptions seemed to be a relevation for him. I'm glad he was able to make sense of the rambling that spewed forth from my mouth. I'm also glad that he learned something more than the teachings of Their Lord Jesus Christ. I do believe I shall have further discussions with this man, being that he neither belittled my personal beliefs nor shoved his down my throat. He was also well spoken and challenged me to debate my point of view. Yes. He and I will talk more, and soon!
We've all done it, right? Played 'pretend' with our friends on the playground. Or, for those unfortunates who shunned interaction at those tender ages, with your imaginary friends. I know now why most adults will encourage children to play this silly game. It's not because it 'develops creativity' as they would claim. No. It is, in fact, a direct life lesson. Once you've learned how to pretend, it becomes a matter of daily upkeep.
When I was in elementary school, my friends and I would pretend to be the heros of whatever popular cartoon of the moment was. He-Man, She-Ra, Thundercats. Those were the main three, though there were others. We'd fight the Evil Horde®, save the Town/Princess/Friend threatened, and then throw a little party celebrating our great victory. Those were wonderful days.
Now, even though I'm much, much older, I'm still pretending. Most of it is inconsequencial. I pretend that I'm a different person in a different world a few times a month, also known as role-playing. I pretend to have an interest in things my customers say to me about their lives and why they are bothering me. But it doesn't stop there.
Pretending becomes a habit not unlike smoking in that once you start, it's quite dificult to stop. Not to mention painful in those early days. I pretend to have an interest in many things, including golf, sex, life, and my work. I pretend to enjoy doing little things to make other people happy, more often than not, depending on the person. I also pretend to believe that stopping my medications, not ending my existence, and not caring what others think about me are good things I have accomplished.
Or maybe it's not so much a habit but a reflex of biology. Or maybe a sociological conditioning that keeps us all from killing one another, most of the time. So why doesn't either of those explanations of why I pretend to things make me feel better about doing it?
Maybe I'd just better pretend that pretending is just fine.
slowly and slowly
the power of blood
red on black
You are entering now into a family
One of lust and blood and fire
Do ye yield yourself freely
To our incestuous desire?
pale as snow
with lips of dark wine
a ritual death
a new life
Understand you will be reborn
To a new life and city and world
'Tis not madness but oblivion
That your mind and soul be hurled.
so fast now
it is done
a new beginning
We welcome you, our sister of night
To our family of death and lust
Join to our firm embrace
In perfect love and trust.
I have had this reccuring dream since I was six years old:
I'm sitting at my bedroom window at my grandparents' house in Danville. My little sister is in her crib alongside the eastern wall. As I stare out of the window, I see thirteen people gathered in a circle that is thirteen paces in diameter, all sitting in those crappy lawnchairs that are made with plastic strips over a metal frame. The kind that always stick to your exposed skin.
I know all of the thirteen but one. My grandparents are in the East and the West points of the circle. On the North half are my uncles and their spouses. On the South half is my mother and her spouse, my aunt and her spouse, and an unknown man.
Each time there has been a change in the spouses, the dream has come to reflect it. Before a divorce (each of my uncles have been married twice during my lifetime) the spouse's face would blur to be replaced by the new wife's in a separate dream closer to the proposal date. Just after the new spouse reveals themself, a single bolt of lightning strikes the ground in the center of the circle. If it's a divorce, the window will crack down the center, almost mirroring the lightning strike, and a fire will start in the hallway outside my room, blocking my exit. As I gather my sister and calm her, we pass through the flames. It is then that I wake up.
What has me confused is this unknown man. His face is always blurred. For many years, I believed that it was my father and that he was blurred because he passed before I could meet him. Now, though, I've got another theory. When my family massed for my grandmother's funeral, her older sister came down to pay her respects. She shared with us some of the stories about how much of a wild child my grandmother was. In any case, she mentioned that grandmother had had a stillbirth when she was about to turn 15, almost a year prior to my mother's birth, and it was a boy. Now I can't help but think that this unknown person could be my mother's older brother--my uncle.
Another thing has got me concerned. As I said, the dream always reccurs when there is a change within the family. Until now, there have been no deaths. And I'm afraid of what may happen in the dream now. I know, with the exception of this half dream I posted of before, I've been to exhausted to dream lately. And I continue to run myself into exhaustion because I won't dream. I'm scared that she won't be anchoring the East. I'm scared that she may blur to my inner vision. And most of all, I'm scared that I'll never have that dream again...